Blog · Writing

Dear Dudes of Tinder

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A.k.a I have so many questions.

Written while listening to: “Black Mambo” — Glass Animals

I don’t play the left and right swiping game that is Tinder anymore. Half-assedly been there, half-assedly done that — swiper, no more swiping. At one point I found myself mindlessly swiping left while not even looking at my phone.

It had become as automatic as breathing. And when being on Tinder can be akin to something as important as breathing? You know it’s time to stop.

But my brief time using the gateway to shirtless pics and “sups?” left me with a lot of questions for some of the males of Tinder. Because there are a few Tinder trends I just can’t shake:

.     .     .

Why did you post five different pictures of your abs…that all look the same?

I don’t wanna see 7 pics in a row that are all straight-on mirror shots of your abs. Right now, you’re the torso equivalent of Groundhog day — every. day. is. the same.

Why are you holding a baby?

I get it —oh, this profile picture with this baby will make me look so caring that she’ll wanna have sex with my babymakin’ stick. No. In fact, reminding me that your man-pole is the key to accidentally making that baby picture a reality in my life? It makes me run. It makes me run so far away.

…Unless you’re holding a baby in one hand and a Taylor Swift vinyl in the other. I don’t know what any of it meant, but that IS a real picture I found. And it was great. Shoutout to that man.

Wait…whose baby even IS that?

Like, is it yours? Or a nephew…or is it a baby he “borrowed” from its owner off the street to get a quick selfie of how caring he is? We may never know.

“I SWEAR I’m not a robot xD”

Nothin’ really wrong with this…but is this a thing? Do a lot of people have Tinder bots chattin’ ’em up like it’s the movie Her? I’ve gotten the “I’m not a robot I swear sup.” like 12 times. Which kinda sounds like something a robot would say. Just a thought.

Sending me “so why are you on Tinder?”

I see whatchyer doin’. You think you’re saying, “you’re wayyy too hot to be using Tinderrr.” But at the same time, that just makes me think ok…so clearly you think this is a place for people who can’t get dates IRLor maybe you just think that cuz you’re one of those people…well shit, son, why are you on Tinder then?

“This is probably a waste of time…not sure why I’m here” in your bio…

Well aren’t you a bundle of joy.

Starting a message with “I know you probably get a lot of these…”

This one is very sweet. Cuz yes, I did get a lot of messages (just bein’ honest) and most of them started with something like, I don’t know, “I’m not a robot.” But it’s also the equivalent of me putting in my bio, “I like cats. I drink at free trade coffee shops, never Starbucks. I wear nerd glasses. I’m not like OTHER girls.”

.     .     .

Tinder’s weird, man. One of the reasons I quit is because while I was glossy-eyed left-swiping, I noticed that when a match does happen, it says you can “message them” or “keep playing.” Cuz yeah, playing the Tinder game of judging other people is fun…which felt kinda shitty.

If we weren’t ADD enough already in our everything-is-accessible-RIGHT-now world, now we’re dating-ADD. We’re constantly “looking for something better” even when we’ve got somethin’ good. Because Tinder says, “oh you found someone cute? Well here’s what else you’re missing out on.”

Woah, man. This got deep real fast. I’m not anti-Tinder. Tinder’s a gem. I just have a lotta questions.



One thought on “Dear Dudes of Tinder

  1. There are robots but I’ve never seen a male bot. Guys see them all the time so they assume that you do too. Also I used to live in NYC & CT and tinder meant swiping left 1000X before considering someone who either looks fun or attractive (never both.) But I also lived in Denver where I probably swiped right 1/8 times


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